anguish.

and so here we are,
God.
again.
except this time
we are more broken
more exhausted
more empty
than we've ever known.
we're ripping our lungs to shreds
crying out for deliverance
only to be answered
with a resounding silence.
our hearts are exploding
from a lack of You
and our souls are rotting
without Your nourishment.
is there any such thing as
Rescue
anymore?
i've got one thread left.
one string that connects
my heart
to Yours
and i am so afraid
that it is beginning to unravel.
sew us up
and sew us on to You
and don't give us cause
to question
anymore.
please.

resignation

Well...I'm going to be brutally honest and say that the reason it's been one month since I've posted something is because I had this huge ginormous goal that I had almost met, and I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't write until it had been accomplished.

I have not yet met that goal, and I gave up trying for a good while.

But the fact that my fingers are typing on this computer is testimony to the fact that I do not yet have even myself, or any part of this life figured out, and God continues to teach me about both.

I am learning that life is not about me in any way shape or form, and yet, I am not an accident.

I am learning that everything I do must be driven by the ultimate desire to serve God, even when what I am doing seems trivial or unimportant.

I am learning that there are good things about this life I am living right now, such as:
sunshine,
aqua blue nail polish,
gluten-free sections in the grocery store,
laughing with strangers,
walking and biking everywhere I need to go,
free vases of tulips,
and my ever-loving, truly amazing husband.

I'm going to keep trying to stop being restricted by who I want to be, and start being liberated by who I am.

cracking, broken fingers
pigeon-peck at words
that just can't seem
to
f a l l
out
in the right order.

i am searching, searching, searching
for cryptic meaning
in a huddle of thought.

i am hoping, hoping, hoping
that something long gone
will make it's weary, yet triumphant, return.

i am sad at missing this
and i am afraid of it's permanent departure.

i feel
i feel
i feel...

blank.

thorough

where are you?
through the whisper
through the looking glass
through the silent shrouds of snow.
it's a constant heartrace of footsteps
and it's climbing out your window.
i'm neither here
nor there
not up
not down
not around.
but i'm still
constant
unchanging
fadeless
dreaming.
the end
always gives beginnings
and beginnings
always bring hope.

one year

The tables empty.
Fill up again.
Rain in the gutters.
Snow on the sidewalk.
Sunshine on my shoulders.
And this is the way of life,
this is how it goes.
Circling around-
don't ask it to stop.
It won't listen.

Coffee shops at dusk.
Empty white mugs,
Inked up pages.
A give and take,
for something more than sigh.

Peace is called settling.
Love is called unselfish.
Living is called dying.
And we're still here.
We're still around.

d u m p truck

looks like i just need a place to
spit
it
out.
current things i am concerned about:
feeling slightly fatter than normal
it's 5 in the morning and i still haven't slept
going back to a pile of homework
going back to a pile of drama/trauma
christmas presents
lack of money to buy christmas presents

current things i am grateful/excited/happy about:
my dog is sleeping at my feet
i just ate really good banana bread
i'm halfway through a great book
i'm writing again
i wrote a paper today!
we decorated the house for christmas
shopping tomorrow
thanksgiving with really really great people
feeling Jesus hold my hand
seeing the love of my life in a few days : )

perhaps
a new blog will have to be started...
again.

wunderlaand

It seems to me that life has gotten graudually more and more confusing in the past five days.

(Yes, I realize this is supposed to be a poetry blog. Sue me.)

I don't know what to do with myself, or my life, or decisions.
I just want to go back to the Art Museum and dream dreams again.
I'm scared.
Mighty scared.
I'm also excited and what could be.
I miss feeling that with him.

Is it a terrible thing to ask someone to help you fall in love with them again?

It seems to me that life never stops confusing you or scaring the hell out of you.

(Sorry I swore God. I didn't mean it cursingly.)

Lately my head has been filled of Paris and infinte possiblities.
Africa and dirt huts with needy people

-and I have the cure.

Empty books with pages waiting to be written

-just give me a chance to prove myself again.

I found myself again, this raging person that I forgot how much I missed.
But now that I found her, what do I do with it?
How do you break out of a settled life with out setting things off?
What if settling (not in the bad sense of the term) is an okay move at some point in your life?

-what point?

John Mayer is my best friend and lives inside my head.
I hope he never leaves.

[emotionless]

i'm really trying to convince myself
that the world hasn't completely crashed
and life hasn't completely stopped
and i'm not completely helpless.
but then these moments hit
and i can't breathe
and i'm so terrified that
i feel like i'm drowning
and i don't see how anything will ever
ever be okay again.
i'm worried that i lost out on who i was
and i'm worried that i'll lose out on the person that loved me anyway
but i'm even more worried
that staying with that person would be worse
than trying to pick up pieces and go somewhere else.
i don't know who i am.
i don't know what i want.
i don't know where to go
or what to do
or what to think.
all i do
is cry and wonder what on earth
God is doing up there.

"Be still and know that I am the LORD your God."
"Whether your feet turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice saying "This is the way; walk in it."
"I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future."
"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

quickie

a quick one before i rush out the door
because i feel like i can't breathe
can't wake up
can't get through today.
i just prayed
over and over
and over and over
in the shower.
'God get me through today.
please.
that's all i need.'
sometimes the hits
just keep on coming.

i will praise His name.

sometimes the tears
just won't stop.

i will praise His name.

I will praise His name forever.

it's on the tip of my tongue

It's all in the little things-
small haircuts
tiny smiles
sideways glances
cups of coffee
miniature love notes
brief kisses
quiet giggles
-beautiful faith.
Simplicity
is almost always shocking
and it almost
makes things more difficult.
I feel
like I'm learning how to do this
all
over
again.
Is there any talent left
in these stained, grownup fingers?
Is there any reason still
to keep me spitting out words?
I guess in the end
it depends on the motives.
Hope is coming back again.
That's enough for me.