numbly rusting

Rust on my hands...
Can I even do this anymore?
I'm afraid there's disconnect in my brain
and the affecting factor has taken over
and is affecting everything I ever cared about
will care about
will ever want to care about.
Sometimes I miss things so much
it hurts.
Other times
I hate the things I miss so much
that it is repulsive.
I wonder if I will ever read the plotline of my life
without wanting to make it more user-friendly.
Will I ever suck it up and take it like the woman I should be?
Will I ever be the woman I should be?
The other day
I figured out that I was only here because
I have nowhere else to go.
I wish that one day I would be brave enough
to kiss the man outside the window
jump on the bus and ride until I get somewhere
write until my fingers are numb
cry until my tears are gone
laugh until my stomach aches
feel until I am going to explode.
Sometimes I wonder
why I ever wanted to be numb.