d u m p truck

looks like i just need a place to
spit
it
out.
current things i am concerned about:
feeling slightly fatter than normal
it's 5 in the morning and i still haven't slept
going back to a pile of homework
going back to a pile of drama/trauma
christmas presents
lack of money to buy christmas presents

current things i am grateful/excited/happy about:
my dog is sleeping at my feet
i just ate really good banana bread
i'm halfway through a great book
i'm writing again
i wrote a paper today!
we decorated the house for christmas
shopping tomorrow
thanksgiving with really really great people
feeling Jesus hold my hand
seeing the love of my life in a few days : )

perhaps
a new blog will have to be started...
again.

wunderlaand

It seems to me that life has gotten graudually more and more confusing in the past five days.

(Yes, I realize this is supposed to be a poetry blog. Sue me.)

I don't know what to do with myself, or my life, or decisions.
I just want to go back to the Art Museum and dream dreams again.
I'm scared.
Mighty scared.
I'm also excited and what could be.
I miss feeling that with him.

Is it a terrible thing to ask someone to help you fall in love with them again?

It seems to me that life never stops confusing you or scaring the hell out of you.

(Sorry I swore God. I didn't mean it cursingly.)

Lately my head has been filled of Paris and infinte possiblities.
Africa and dirt huts with needy people

-and I have the cure.

Empty books with pages waiting to be written

-just give me a chance to prove myself again.

I found myself again, this raging person that I forgot how much I missed.
But now that I found her, what do I do with it?
How do you break out of a settled life with out setting things off?
What if settling (not in the bad sense of the term) is an okay move at some point in your life?

-what point?

John Mayer is my best friend and lives inside my head.
I hope he never leaves.

[emotionless]

i'm really trying to convince myself
that the world hasn't completely crashed
and life hasn't completely stopped
and i'm not completely helpless.
but then these moments hit
and i can't breathe
and i'm so terrified that
i feel like i'm drowning
and i don't see how anything will ever
ever be okay again.
i'm worried that i lost out on who i was
and i'm worried that i'll lose out on the person that loved me anyway
but i'm even more worried
that staying with that person would be worse
than trying to pick up pieces and go somewhere else.
i don't know who i am.
i don't know what i want.
i don't know where to go
or what to do
or what to think.
all i do
is cry and wonder what on earth
God is doing up there.

"Be still and know that I am the LORD your God."
"Whether your feet turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice saying "This is the way; walk in it."
"I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future."
"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

quickie

a quick one before i rush out the door
because i feel like i can't breathe
can't wake up
can't get through today.
i just prayed
over and over
and over and over
in the shower.
'God get me through today.
please.
that's all i need.'
sometimes the hits
just keep on coming.

i will praise His name.

sometimes the tears
just won't stop.

i will praise His name.

I will praise His name forever.