I'm driving down this road
and all I seem to see
are the road signs
telling me this one only leads back to where I came.
You start to find out
that this world
is small.
And all you want
is the road that leads you away from the places you were
and takes you to the places you've never been.
So how do I get there
and how do I find you?
And how do you know
this is real?
The tears are slipping out
and my mascara is running
and I am deathly afraid
of hearing my phone ring
and having it sing your song.
"God give us grace
and God give us peace
and God give us faith
in the dark."
God, I miss you.

Church Girls

We are the church girls
and this is our world.
We sit
we listen
we pretend
we care.
But none of us really knows
why we are there.
Until one day
we wake up and say
"We are the church girls
so what does that mean?
We are the church girls,
I'm so sick of this scene."
We walk out
fully aware
of the presence
we left there.
And for a while it's cool
for awhile it's good.
The church girls no longer
even though we should.
But then things start changing
then things start getting hard.
We scream up at God
and wonder why we fell so far.
"I used to be a church girl
I used to have it figured out.
Now I'm just a lost girl.
That's all I know without a doubt."
And pretty soon we forget
what church girl used to mean.
We're at the end of our rope
Don't remember how to dream.
Until one day
we wake up and say,
"I'm still God's girl.
I haven't forgotten that.
And even though I'm screwed up
I'm getting myself back."
And we walk back in,
Church girls no longer.
Instead we're God's girls
But we know what it means to wander.
So this is to all those church girls
who never wondered why.
And when the going got tough
all they could do was cry.
You are more than a church girl.
More than a pretty face.
You are God's girl
and no one can take your place.

My stomach is sick and my head is crystal clear

So cliche
and so storybook fairy tale
that I'm wondering if it was ever real
and why was your heart so pale?

This is where you learn
to stand and fight
and protect what is yours
before it becomes out of sight.

I don't want to be ashamed
of who I was yesterday
and I don't want to be afraid
of who I'll be tomorrow.
So can you please help me find it?
Help me find who I am
and who I'll be
for the rest of eternity?

The phone keeps ringing
inside my head
and I don't answer it
hoping I'll hear your voice instead.

So imperfect
my flaws are laid out
for the world to see.
Can they carry my doubt?

I don't want to be ashamed
of who I was yesterday
and I don't want to be afraid
of who I'll be tomorrow.
So can you please help me find it?
Help me find who I am
and who I'll be
for the rest of eternity?

'Breaking hearts
has never looked so cool.'
Did you watch and see
how I got taken for a fool?

I'm finally getting some order back
turn around, and watch for me.
Don't forget
who I'll never be.

If you don't want to speak,
don't want to speak to me
I'll love you anyway.

If you don't want to listen,
don't want to listen to this
I'll keep talking anyway.

Because you can't remember
that day in late September
when you came back,
came back to me.

And everything I'd lost
had suddenly become found
and everything I was fighting for
finally became sound.

And if you don't want to be here,
don't want to be here in this place
I'll stay for you anyway.

And if you don't want to try,
to try and keep on living
I'll live for the both of us.

Because you can't remember
that day in late September
when you came back,
came back to me.

And everything I'd lost
had suddenly become found
and everything I was fighting for
finally turned around.

Curse
this retarded computer.
And curse
my retarded
Economic History of The United States
impaired brain.
They are speaking Spanish
next door and
I wish I could join in
but I am not that brave.
Or that cool.
I miss you
like I miss no other
and I had no idea
that you would ever start
to matter this much.
But there are things about you
that have to change
before I will let myself
tell you
that I love you.
Okay?
This poem is retarded.
All my writing lately
has been retarded.
What's wrong with me?
I think my sister
snuck into my room
in the middle of the night
and stole
my writing ability
and took it for herself.
Not
cool.

Happy Birthday.
Blow out your candles
eat some cake
and kiss me goodnight.
You're older now
we're older now
and we're still here.
Thanks God.
If you could have anything
what would it be?
Once upon a time
you told me
it was me.
But I still think
you miss your dad.
If I could
I would fix everything that has ever hurt you
and make it all go away.
But I'm not that strong
so all I can give you
is someone to lean on.
I don't know
where we are going to end up.
But wherever it is
will be
perfect.

I have decided
I want someone to fall in love with me
because I love Jesus.
Call me crazy
but it’s just
the way I am.
And I want
someone to fall in love with me
because I am not
like every other girl.
Even though
I sometimes look like everyone else
I’m not.
Watch me smile
and cry
and decide
that you love me.

a conversation

God?
Did I mess up again?
Did I fail you again?
Sitting here
in my DC shirt
my vans shoes
my hair all done
wondering
if I will ever get this right.
“This is IMPOSSIBLE!”
I scream at the stars
but they don’t answer.
Only Your voice
in my head
telling me
“It was supposed to be impossible.”
I need You.
Don’t ever leave.

The same brick wall

My heart is on the floor,
you stepped on it once
and would you please forgive me when I say I never thought we would be here again.
The story’s the same
but the scars go deeper now
and I’m beginning to think my wounds will never heal.
‘The best part of “Believe” is the “lie”’
and I’m starting to realize this is what it feels like.
Cigarettes and clean laundry
and nostalgia starts to kick in
and I can taste your lips,
smell your shirt,
and feel your arms,
all at once.
You left me nowhere to go
except back to the beginning.
And I’m beginning to think
you hadn’t planned this.
Spiraling out of control
starts to scare you
and you were unprepared.
I hope you are prepared
to be lonely
forever.

This goes out
to everyone that wears their heart on their sleeve
even though it tends to get broken.
At least
we live
we feel
we laugh
we cry
we scream
we love.
The deeper you love
the more it hurts.
But the more it hurts
the more you know you are alive.
So here
is to being alive.
Let's never stop.

This
is why I was here.
Did
you see my name?
It
was written on the bathroom wall of life.
Scribbled
with a red pen.
Because
I like red. It adds drama.
So
here you go.
I'm adding drama for you.
Drama. Drama. DRAMA
Did you enjoy it?
Don't forget
that when you hide behind your hair
no one can find you.

You said the cold hurt your lungs. Does the heat make them feel better?

I’m sitting here
pondering your existence
and wondering where I fit in.
I’m laughing there
but I don’t remember why
good thing it doesn’t much matter.
I’m crying now
looking at your helpless words
and wondering why we are the way we are.
I guess
that I never knew you could be so deep.
And I guess
that I never thought you’d actually say that.
And I guess
that I’m asking myself these questions
without looking for my answer.
So how does it feel
to be fed your own lies?
So how does it feel
to know that you screwed up?
So how does it feel
to know that IT WAS YOUR FAULT!
So how does it feel
to know that I forgive you?
So how does it feel
to know that I forgive myself?
I think that things have finally turned out alright
even though they’re not over.

Here is my
disclaimer:
This is not another pity poem
that I wrote for myself.
So now that we understand that…
I don’t want my feelings played with anymore
and I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore
and I don’t want to like you anymore
and I don’t want to think about you anymore
and I don’t want to believe you anymore
and I don’t want to see you anymore
and I don’t want you to know this
because I wanted things how they are.
Do you undersand?
I never know
where I stand with you.
Want to tell me
and help me out?

Trebuchet MS

Stuck.
Because
this
is
not
how
I
wanted
my
poetry
to
be.
I guess I’m back at square one.
Will I ever make it to square two?
You are
who I want to be.
And you are
who I want to look like.
And you are
who I want to love.
If you read this would you think I was crazy again?
I am not satisfied with my own existence.
Would I be satisfied with yours?
I want so much more than what I’ve been handed.
Is this God telling me to never be comfortable?
I feel so small in this great big place.
I’m desperate for people to love me.
Even though God loves me enough.
I want to trust you again.
Especially because you act how I wanted you to act.
Why?
It feels funny to know that I have to go to work tomorrow.

I want to walk the streets again
under a lamplight moon.
The two of us standing there
walking a silent tune.

The night grew long
but we are young.
Let’s walk the streets again
before life is done.

The sun comes up
and we are through.
But day is short
soon I’ll be with you.

Our own little world,
full of concrete and crickets.
But to us, my dear,
these are just tickets.

Tickets to something better
under a sweet summer sky.
So come with me
and sing a silent lullaby.

The summer ends
like we knew it would.
I sing our lullaby no longer
though I know I should.

I miss you still,
I wonder if you miss me too.
I hear the crickets calling
and I hope you always will.

It was his poem, but I think I'll make it mine

This is my friend's work. Not mine. But read it, and appreciate it for his genius. You rock, Mike.

Somthing the cold does to make you not breath
A Month Ago Today.

Today I sit in somber silence.
Waiting for a ringing melody or a soft bleat to fill my eardrum.
A sweet hello to fill the empty space left by the sound of a car door slamming.
The bathwater turning off.
The sound of a line.
Phone off the hook.

The sounds that break my heart.
I recorded them to play them over again in my head.
Will you be my record player?
Or just a broken record.

Red alert, red alert
Vulnerable boy on deck.
Take him for all he’s worth.
Take that stupid bastard for what he is worth.
You know you can lie to get what you want.
Just do it. Take him already.
I’m sure he’s ready for what you’ve got.

A month ago today we stood in the dark.
I held you in the cold as my breath froze to your eye lashes
Where you lied to me for the first time.
The lie only lasted 3 weeks.
A MOTNH AGO TODAY. WE STOOD IN THE DARK.
IN THE COLD WHERE I HELD YOU.
WHERE YOU LIED TO ME FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME
ONE MONTH AGO TODAY.
WE STOOD IN THE COLD.
WHERE YOU STARTED TO BREAK MY HEART FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME!
And one month later to the day.
I sit with my head on the wall.
Pausing, trying to keep my head on straight.
The medicinal taste of my bloody raw lip doesn’t quite add up to the way you last tasted.
But for now it will do.

You were the sound that broke my heart.
I will let you break it again if I can feel this wonderful pain
I was only scared of the past and looking forward to a future.
Looking forward to you.

Hopeless romantic

A hopeless romantic
but only somewhat.
Will I ever find you
you who are total?
I miss you
before I even know you
and I'm so completely
wrapped up in you
right now
wondering where you are
when I get to know you
and wondering how
I could love someone so much
before even knowing their name.
Sure, there's plenty of evidence
as to why it could be him.
But you smack me down
and tell me he'll never love me.
You tell me that I'm to young to know true love
and I'm to inexperienced to even be wondering
what he looks like.
Well guess what.
I'm
not
LISTENING!
Got it?
good.
I'm still waiting
and I'll wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
forever if I have too.
Just to know your name.

Please accept my apologies

"Please accept my apologies
for not coming in today.
You see,
I had somewhere else to be."
The words echoed
in my ear. And
I stared at him out
of my gray-blue-green eyes,
trying to look fierce
even though
my heart was melting away.
"Just please
make sure that it
does NOT happen
again. I
need employees I can
trust. Not ones I
have to worry about."
I tossed my hair,
pursed my lips,
and turned and walked away,
Like I have done so many times before.
But guess what?
He didn't follow.
I hid my teardrop
crystals
in a little bottle
and pretended that
I didn't really want him to.
But then,
all of a sudden,
I felt his hand on my arm
burning it's way into my skin.
Flip me around,
close your eyes.
Lips on lips,
hand on arm,
tears on cheek.
He's crying too.
Wait.
He's crying too?
This
was not my idea
of a fairy-tale ending.
But I think
that I can make it work.
The end.

So self-assured, at least on the outside.
Is acceptance all that matters, while your life lays in tatters?

"A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?"

-Proverbs 20:24

Broken Pictures

I found myself today
in a broken picture
and I wanted you to know
that I think that I'm alright.
I'm still looking for the rest of me
but once I find it all
I'll give it all to You
since You seem to want me.
I'm turning over
all of my tattered self
even if I have to pry it out
of my tightly clenched fingers.
After I find myself
glue me back together
and paint me over
to make me what I was supposed to be.
I love You
for putting me together again
and I missed You
while I was ripping myself to shreds.
So fix me
remake me
and hang me on Your wall
of unfinished masterpieces.