song for a man

If I could fit the words on a page,
I'd write you every song that ever was
and sing it to you until the sky turned dark
and the moon shone bright.
I'm lost inside my head again
and you're the only one who can even see where I've gone.
Will you fight for me through the end?
Will you tell me that I'm beautiful as I keep tearing myself to shreds?
If my world was perfect
I'd be beautiful and soft every hour of every day
and I'd make you feel like the man you are.
Can you take this instead?
Can you read this when I pierce your heart
and realize that I'm a mess that's clinging to the only thing that makes sense?
Necessity is an evil thing in our life
and it dictates who we are and what we become.
Come on baby, let's run
and get away from the problems we've started.
Come on baby, let's dance
and let the moonlight swallow us whole.
Come on baby, let's live
and start over with every rising sun.

numbly rusting

Rust on my hands...
Can I even do this anymore?
I'm afraid there's disconnect in my brain
and the affecting factor has taken over
and is affecting everything I ever cared about
will care about
will ever want to care about.
Sometimes I miss things so much
it hurts.
Other times
I hate the things I miss so much
that it is repulsive.
I wonder if I will ever read the plotline of my life
without wanting to make it more user-friendly.
Will I ever suck it up and take it like the woman I should be?
Will I ever be the woman I should be?
The other day
I figured out that I was only here because
I have nowhere else to go.
I wish that one day I would be brave enough
to kiss the man outside the window
jump on the bus and ride until I get somewhere
write until my fingers are numb
cry until my tears are gone
laugh until my stomach aches
feel until I am going to explode.
Sometimes I wonder
why I ever wanted to be numb.

double dog dare

I dare you to
let God make a masterpiece out of your mess.
I dare you to
start living like God still has an amazing plan for you.
I dare you to
quit questioning God's love and just accept it.
I dare you to
believe that you are strong enough because God gives you strength.
I dare you to
quit living like you're a prisoner of all of this.
I dare you to
let it go and walk away.
I dare you to
believe that God loves you enough not to make you miserable.
I dare you to
believe that God knew all of this was going to happen and He died for you anyway.
I dare you to
be free.

if my heart cracked, would You leak out?

It's like a constant renewal.
God, sometimes I wonder
how on earth do you put up with me?
It's moments like those
that You sit me down in a corner with rain
stare me in the face
and say nothing.
You just hold me.
Just exactly the way I need it.
Sometimes my heart feels like it's going to explode
because it's so full
of You.
I don't understand.
Maybe I never will.
Maybe that's the way it should be.
"I won't give up
on giving You
a chance to blow my mind."
My words are inadequate
and I'm sorry that I have nothing greater to give.
But what I do have,
I'll give it up.
Everything.
God, You know.
I love You more than anything else.
May that never change.

passion

My arms are open wide
stretched out wide.
My hands are holding onto you
clinging to You.
I'm flying freely
but I had to jump to get here.
I wish you could see this.
I wish you could understand.
Tonight the world could crash
and we could fade away
and nothing would be the same
but You.
Always You.
I'm gasping for air now
crying out for Breath.
This faith, it takes me under
and it always pulls me through.
I've my fair share of bruises
and wounds I wish I could hide.
But in the end,
it all comes back to You.
All to You.
I am so unworthy,
and You are so magnificent.
God, who am I?
Your love, it's so consuming.
You're a fire to my bones
an intoxication in my soul.
I'm never letting go of You.

A lack of empathy

I can't seem the feel the empathy towards you
that I once had.
You took that away.
You threw it away, violently.
Believe me, your feelings were made perfectly clear.
Decisions are killing you.
I can't help you out anymore.
This is where I really cut ties,
and burn bridges on purpose.
Drastic measures, maybe.
But it's for our good.
I can't function with you
and you can't function without me.
That's not how it works.
So. Read this and weep.
Then move on,
and forget all about me.
(Is this screaming emo?)
Life is better now.
I'm not going to go risk that just for your sanity.
That's between you and God.
I've given you my input.
But I can't believe for you anymore.
Okay?

Introductions

Meet Miss Utah.
She's getting ready to leave her home
and she can't wait to scream
"I'm not living like this anymore."
Meet Miss Scaredy-Cat.
She left her home
and she's screaming
"Where did I go wrong?"
Meet Miss Sleepy-Head.
She misses her boy-that-never-was-hers
and she's screaming
"Don't forget that I loved you!"
Meet Miss Found-Her-Place.
She's in love with her Jesus
and she's screaming
"I made it without you!"

Hesitation in the form of "I don't know"

And this frailty
but we look so strong.
We are so courageous
but only on the outside.
Now tell me where we stand
tell me how we are
baby, tell me all this
and never let me go.
I wanna break out
I want to learn how to live
I want to know who I am
and I want to do this with you right next to me.
I'm not afraid anymore,
this leap turned out better than I thought
and I am still here
still safe.
And this is fear,
but I'm learning to cope.
This is freedom,
my heart is doing okay.

Drops down her back

It's raining outside
and baby, I can see your face.
Will you whisper to me?
Will you hold me in the wet
and kiss me with the drops running down?
It's raining outside
and baby, I miss you.
Will you remember who I am?
Will you cry when you get home
and tell me it will be like you never left?
It's raining outside
and baby, you're back.
But you're not the same.
Where is the boy I fell in love with?
Where is the boy who kissed me in the rain
and told me that our lives would never change?
It's raining outside
and baby, I'm gone.
Don't forget me
but don't hold on for too long.
Stand in the rain without me
and cry just a little.
And I'll do the same for you.

This is only if you really want to know

Will I ever get to the point
that I dont screw myself up anymore?
I know perfect is impossible,
but is decently good
so unattainable?
The worst part
is that I liked it.
And.
On top of that.
I want more.
My life
my life.
Where did everything go?
Where did I go?
Where is everything that I worked for?
Did I really become the failure I was afraid of
and people are just too nice to tell me?
On the outside
I look normal.
But on the inside
I am tangled up.
A mix of different sorts of colors
and songs
and tastes
and smells
and I am not sure that I like the combination.
What if it becomes toxic?
What if I become the killer?