anguish.

and so here we are,
God.
again.
except this time
we are more broken
more exhausted
more empty
than we've ever known.
we're ripping our lungs to shreds
crying out for deliverance
only to be answered
with a resounding silence.
our hearts are exploding
from a lack of You
and our souls are rotting
without Your nourishment.
is there any such thing as
Rescue
anymore?
i've got one thread left.
one string that connects
my heart
to Yours
and i am so afraid
that it is beginning to unravel.
sew us up
and sew us on to You
and don't give us cause
to question
anymore.
please.

resignation

Well...I'm going to be brutally honest and say that the reason it's been one month since I've posted something is because I had this huge ginormous goal that I had almost met, and I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't write until it had been accomplished.

I have not yet met that goal, and I gave up trying for a good while.

But the fact that my fingers are typing on this computer is testimony to the fact that I do not yet have even myself, or any part of this life figured out, and God continues to teach me about both.

I am learning that life is not about me in any way shape or form, and yet, I am not an accident.

I am learning that everything I do must be driven by the ultimate desire to serve God, even when what I am doing seems trivial or unimportant.

I am learning that there are good things about this life I am living right now, such as:
sunshine,
aqua blue nail polish,
gluten-free sections in the grocery store,
laughing with strangers,
walking and biking everywhere I need to go,
free vases of tulips,
and my ever-loving, truly amazing husband.

I'm going to keep trying to stop being restricted by who I want to be, and start being liberated by who I am.

cracking, broken fingers
pigeon-peck at words
that just can't seem
to
f a l l
out
in the right order.

i am searching, searching, searching
for cryptic meaning
in a huddle of thought.

i am hoping, hoping, hoping
that something long gone
will make it's weary, yet triumphant, return.

i am sad at missing this
and i am afraid of it's permanent departure.

i feel
i feel
i feel...

blank.

thorough

where are you?
through the whisper
through the looking glass
through the silent shrouds of snow.
it's a constant heartrace of footsteps
and it's climbing out your window.
i'm neither here
nor there
not up
not down
not around.
but i'm still
constant
unchanging
fadeless
dreaming.
the end
always gives beginnings
and beginnings
always bring hope.

one year

The tables empty.
Fill up again.
Rain in the gutters.
Snow on the sidewalk.
Sunshine on my shoulders.
And this is the way of life,
this is how it goes.
Circling around-
don't ask it to stop.
It won't listen.

Coffee shops at dusk.
Empty white mugs,
Inked up pages.
A give and take,
for something more than sigh.

Peace is called settling.
Love is called unselfish.
Living is called dying.
And we're still here.
We're still around.

d u m p truck

looks like i just need a place to
spit
it
out.
current things i am concerned about:
feeling slightly fatter than normal
it's 5 in the morning and i still haven't slept
going back to a pile of homework
going back to a pile of drama/trauma
christmas presents
lack of money to buy christmas presents

current things i am grateful/excited/happy about:
my dog is sleeping at my feet
i just ate really good banana bread
i'm halfway through a great book
i'm writing again
i wrote a paper today!
we decorated the house for christmas
shopping tomorrow
thanksgiving with really really great people
feeling Jesus hold my hand
seeing the love of my life in a few days : )

perhaps
a new blog will have to be started...
again.

wunderlaand

It seems to me that life has gotten graudually more and more confusing in the past five days.

(Yes, I realize this is supposed to be a poetry blog. Sue me.)

I don't know what to do with myself, or my life, or decisions.
I just want to go back to the Art Museum and dream dreams again.
I'm scared.
Mighty scared.
I'm also excited and what could be.
I miss feeling that with him.

Is it a terrible thing to ask someone to help you fall in love with them again?

It seems to me that life never stops confusing you or scaring the hell out of you.

(Sorry I swore God. I didn't mean it cursingly.)

Lately my head has been filled of Paris and infinte possiblities.
Africa and dirt huts with needy people

-and I have the cure.

Empty books with pages waiting to be written

-just give me a chance to prove myself again.

I found myself again, this raging person that I forgot how much I missed.
But now that I found her, what do I do with it?
How do you break out of a settled life with out setting things off?
What if settling (not in the bad sense of the term) is an okay move at some point in your life?

-what point?

John Mayer is my best friend and lives inside my head.
I hope he never leaves.

[emotionless]

i'm really trying to convince myself
that the world hasn't completely crashed
and life hasn't completely stopped
and i'm not completely helpless.
but then these moments hit
and i can't breathe
and i'm so terrified that
i feel like i'm drowning
and i don't see how anything will ever
ever be okay again.
i'm worried that i lost out on who i was
and i'm worried that i'll lose out on the person that loved me anyway
but i'm even more worried
that staying with that person would be worse
than trying to pick up pieces and go somewhere else.
i don't know who i am.
i don't know what i want.
i don't know where to go
or what to do
or what to think.
all i do
is cry and wonder what on earth
God is doing up there.

"Be still and know that I am the LORD your God."
"Whether your feet turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice saying "This is the way; walk in it."
"I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future."
"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

quickie

a quick one before i rush out the door
because i feel like i can't breathe
can't wake up
can't get through today.
i just prayed
over and over
and over and over
in the shower.
'God get me through today.
please.
that's all i need.'
sometimes the hits
just keep on coming.

i will praise His name.

sometimes the tears
just won't stop.

i will praise His name.

I will praise His name forever.

it's on the tip of my tongue

It's all in the little things-
small haircuts
tiny smiles
sideways glances
cups of coffee
miniature love notes
brief kisses
quiet giggles
-beautiful faith.
Simplicity
is almost always shocking
and it almost
makes things more difficult.
I feel
like I'm learning how to do this
all
over
again.
Is there any talent left
in these stained, grownup fingers?
Is there any reason still
to keep me spitting out words?
I guess in the end
it depends on the motives.
Hope is coming back again.
That's enough for me.

Not mine, but someone else's

I took my heart in my hand
(O my love, O my love),
I said: Let me fall or stand,
Let me live or die,
But this once hear me speak
(O my love, O my love)—
Yet a woman's words are weak;
You should speak, not I.

You took my heart in your hand
With a friendly smile,
With a critical eye you scann'd,
Then set it down,
And said, 'It is still unripe,
Better wait awhile;
Wait while the skylarks pipe,
Till the corn grows brown.'
As you set it down it broke—
Broke, but I did not wince;
I smiled at the speech you spoke,
At your judgement I heard:
But I have not often smiled
Since then, nor question'd since,
Nor cared for cornflowers wild,
Nor sung with the singing bird.

I take my heart in my hand,
O my God, O my God,
My broken heart in my hand:
Thou hast seen, judge Thou.
My hope was written on sand,
O my God, O my God:
Now let thy judgement stand—
Yea, judge me now.

This contemn'd of a man,
This marr'd one heedless day,
This heart take thou to scan
Both within and without:
Refine with fire its gold,
Purge Thou its dross away—
Yea, hold it in Thy hold,
Whence none can pluck it out.

I take my heart in my hand—
I shall not die, but live—
Before Thy face I stand;
I, for Thou callest such:
All that I have I bring,
All that I am I give,
Smile Thou and I shall sing,
But shall not question much.

"Twice"
-Christina Georgina Rossetti

song for a man

If I could fit the words on a page,
I'd write you every song that ever was
and sing it to you until the sky turned dark
and the moon shone bright.
I'm lost inside my head again
and you're the only one who can even see where I've gone.
Will you fight for me through the end?
Will you tell me that I'm beautiful as I keep tearing myself to shreds?
If my world was perfect
I'd be beautiful and soft every hour of every day
and I'd make you feel like the man you are.
Can you take this instead?
Can you read this when I pierce your heart
and realize that I'm a mess that's clinging to the only thing that makes sense?
Necessity is an evil thing in our life
and it dictates who we are and what we become.
Come on baby, let's run
and get away from the problems we've started.
Come on baby, let's dance
and let the moonlight swallow us whole.
Come on baby, let's live
and start over with every rising sun.

numbly rusting

Rust on my hands...
Can I even do this anymore?
I'm afraid there's disconnect in my brain
and the affecting factor has taken over
and is affecting everything I ever cared about
will care about
will ever want to care about.
Sometimes I miss things so much
it hurts.
Other times
I hate the things I miss so much
that it is repulsive.
I wonder if I will ever read the plotline of my life
without wanting to make it more user-friendly.
Will I ever suck it up and take it like the woman I should be?
Will I ever be the woman I should be?
The other day
I figured out that I was only here because
I have nowhere else to go.
I wish that one day I would be brave enough
to kiss the man outside the window
jump on the bus and ride until I get somewhere
write until my fingers are numb
cry until my tears are gone
laugh until my stomach aches
feel until I am going to explode.
Sometimes I wonder
why I ever wanted to be numb.

double dog dare

I dare you to
let God make a masterpiece out of your mess.
I dare you to
start living like God still has an amazing plan for you.
I dare you to
quit questioning God's love and just accept it.
I dare you to
believe that you are strong enough because God gives you strength.
I dare you to
quit living like you're a prisoner of all of this.
I dare you to
let it go and walk away.
I dare you to
believe that God loves you enough not to make you miserable.
I dare you to
believe that God knew all of this was going to happen and He died for you anyway.
I dare you to
be free.

if my heart cracked, would You leak out?

It's like a constant renewal.
God, sometimes I wonder
how on earth do you put up with me?
It's moments like those
that You sit me down in a corner with rain
stare me in the face
and say nothing.
You just hold me.
Just exactly the way I need it.
Sometimes my heart feels like it's going to explode
because it's so full
of You.
I don't understand.
Maybe I never will.
Maybe that's the way it should be.
"I won't give up
on giving You
a chance to blow my mind."
My words are inadequate
and I'm sorry that I have nothing greater to give.
But what I do have,
I'll give it up.
Everything.
God, You know.
I love You more than anything else.
May that never change.

passion

My arms are open wide
stretched out wide.
My hands are holding onto you
clinging to You.
I'm flying freely
but I had to jump to get here.
I wish you could see this.
I wish you could understand.
Tonight the world could crash
and we could fade away
and nothing would be the same
but You.
Always You.
I'm gasping for air now
crying out for Breath.
This faith, it takes me under
and it always pulls me through.
I've my fair share of bruises
and wounds I wish I could hide.
But in the end,
it all comes back to You.
All to You.
I am so unworthy,
and You are so magnificent.
God, who am I?
Your love, it's so consuming.
You're a fire to my bones
an intoxication in my soul.
I'm never letting go of You.

A lack of empathy

I can't seem the feel the empathy towards you
that I once had.
You took that away.
You threw it away, violently.
Believe me, your feelings were made perfectly clear.
Decisions are killing you.
I can't help you out anymore.
This is where I really cut ties,
and burn bridges on purpose.
Drastic measures, maybe.
But it's for our good.
I can't function with you
and you can't function without me.
That's not how it works.
So. Read this and weep.
Then move on,
and forget all about me.
(Is this screaming emo?)
Life is better now.
I'm not going to go risk that just for your sanity.
That's between you and God.
I've given you my input.
But I can't believe for you anymore.
Okay?

Introductions

Meet Miss Utah.
She's getting ready to leave her home
and she can't wait to scream
"I'm not living like this anymore."
Meet Miss Scaredy-Cat.
She left her home
and she's screaming
"Where did I go wrong?"
Meet Miss Sleepy-Head.
She misses her boy-that-never-was-hers
and she's screaming
"Don't forget that I loved you!"
Meet Miss Found-Her-Place.
She's in love with her Jesus
and she's screaming
"I made it without you!"

Hesitation in the form of "I don't know"

And this frailty
but we look so strong.
We are so courageous
but only on the outside.
Now tell me where we stand
tell me how we are
baby, tell me all this
and never let me go.
I wanna break out
I want to learn how to live
I want to know who I am
and I want to do this with you right next to me.
I'm not afraid anymore,
this leap turned out better than I thought
and I am still here
still safe.
And this is fear,
but I'm learning to cope.
This is freedom,
my heart is doing okay.

Drops down her back

It's raining outside
and baby, I can see your face.
Will you whisper to me?
Will you hold me in the wet
and kiss me with the drops running down?
It's raining outside
and baby, I miss you.
Will you remember who I am?
Will you cry when you get home
and tell me it will be like you never left?
It's raining outside
and baby, you're back.
But you're not the same.
Where is the boy I fell in love with?
Where is the boy who kissed me in the rain
and told me that our lives would never change?
It's raining outside
and baby, I'm gone.
Don't forget me
but don't hold on for too long.
Stand in the rain without me
and cry just a little.
And I'll do the same for you.